Shock Tactics
by Skitts
Summary: L has hiccups, Light feels vaguely homicidal and sometimes even the smartest of people do the stupidest of things. :L/Light, kinda cracky:


**Shock Tactics**

**- - - - - - - --**,-- - - - - - - -

"So you see, I was using the new system we installed that allows us access to some of the most confidential police information, not to mention large quantities of public media data gathered from all across the world-"

_Hic_!

"-and at first I didn't know where to look. Thus, I decided to start the search under our initial assumption that Kira is operating from Japan. It's a fact that the vast majority of Kira's victims are located in Japan, and this realisation becomes all the more clearer when-"

_Hic_!

"-you look at the correlation between the deaths and the media coverage. It's blindingly obvious Kira gets his information from local Japanese sources. Due to the fact that Kira kills with heart attacks, I thought there might be some deaths that have gone unrecorded-"

_Hic_!

"-so I searched for a list of all the people who've died of heart attacks up until now, including non-criminals. Normally this would be a colossal amount of work but our new system made it relatively easy. After obtaining the list of heart attack victims I planned to carefully examine each death over the past-"

_Hic_!

"-five months, but I quickly noticed three suspicious cases. Two could be mere coincidence, but not-"

_Hic_!

"-_three_ heart attack victims, all of them being very prestigious members of the Japanese-"

_Hic_!

"-business world. So then I started to research various business companies in-"

_Hic_!

"-Japan and came to the realisation that Yotsu-"

_Hic_!

"-ba's stocks have been-"

_Hic_!

"-rising gradually bu-"

_Hic_!

"Arrrgggghhhh!! Stop _doing_ that!" Light yelled suddenly, that one measly little hiccup being the final straw that broke the camel's back. His once-cool demeanour was reduced to a pile of smouldering ashes and scattered to the breeze as scary I-Will-Get-You-In-Your-Sleep-And-Make-It-Look-Like-An-Acccident!Light burst forth from the boy's inner subconscious like a demon fresh from the pits of hell. It wouldn't have been at all surprising if his eyes had even glowed red a little, just for that authentic "RAWR! I'm a deranged lunatic and I'm going to rip your head off!" look.

"Stop doing what, Light – _hic_!– kun?" inquired L sweetly, face painted with more innocence than that of an angels'. It was sort of cute, actually. One just had to wonder where he'd left his halo.

"That! Those _noises_ you're making!" Light cried, waving one intrusive finger around in the detective's face for further emphasis (and very nearly putting one of his eyes out in the process).

L couldn't help but note that a rather unhealthy-looking tic had started in the corner of the teen's left eye. He played around with the idea of asking him if he'd been to see a doctor about that, but decided against it. It would be like signing his own death warrant if he deliberately riled the boy up when he was already so pissed off. Instead, L tilted his head and asked, ever so delicately, "Are my – _hic_ - hiccups annoying you, Light-kun?" It was like treading on eggshells with Light sometimes, it really was. Damn moody teenagers…

"Yes," Light replied through gritted teeth, fingers clenching and unclenching s l o w l y. Breathe in and out, Light, in and out… Don't hit things that can hit you back. Bruises are _not _in fashion. "Your hiccups are _very _annoying and I would appreciate it very much if you would be quiet."

"I'm sorry," L said gravely, wondering if that tic in Light's eye was an early warning sign of some horrible, life-threatening disease. Maybe he'd better go and ask Watari to buy a tombstone now, just to be on the safe side. But then what would the inscription on it be? '_R.I.P Light Yagami, beloved son, brother and homicidal maniac?'._ Oh, decisions, decisions… "I have no – _hic_! – control over the – _hic_! – hiccups. They should go in a – _hic_! – while."

Breathe in through the nose, out through the mouth… Inhale and exhale and inhale and exhale and-inhale-and-exhale-and-inhale-and-exhale-andinahleandexhaleandinhaleandexhaleandinhaleandexhaleandinhale…

Light sighed and massaged his scalp, running the breathing patterns through his head until they lost all sense and started to sound like some sort of religious chant. It was the same trick he used to keep his composure whenever Misa was being exceptionally annoying and, for the most part, it worked. Well he hadn't strangled her with her own intestines and thrown her off a bridge yet, had he?

"Maybe if you didn't eat so much crap you wouldn't have hiccups right now," Light groused, the weird smudged-up word 'inhaleandexhale' still running through his head. "Would it kill you eat anything healthy once in a while?"

"My diet has nothing to – _hic_! - do with the current – _hic_! – situation. Hiccups can sometimes be – _hic_! – cured by eating raw granulated sugar, Light – _hic_! – kun."

"Then why don't you do that, then?" _Before I'm forced to pull out every hair from your head one by one with Misa's tweezers…_ Light silently added in his mind.

"I already – _hic_! – tried it."

"Drank a glass of water?"

"Tried it. _Hic_!"

"Pressed your fingers against your eyeballs?"

"Tried – _hic_! – it."

"Painted yourself bright yellow and done the hula?"

L blinked.

"Now why would I want to do that?"

"Because it would make me laugh."

"Oh…"

There was a long pause, and Light dared but hope that his crazy idea had somehow scared L's hiccups away for good. And then, of course, his hopes just had to be dashed.

_Hic_!

Life was good at screwing you over like that.

The teen hissed in annoyance, hands fisting in his hair and teeth biting against his lower lip to halt a string of obscenities that would surely come pouring forth from his mouth like raw sewage if he didn't block up their escape route. Breathe in and out, he told himself for the seven hundredth time. In and out… Inhale and exhale, Light. Don't let him think you're Kira, Light. Think calmly and rationally, Light. Calm and rational. Calm and rational. Calm and rational. Calm and ra-

_Hic_!

Screw being calm and rational, **god damnit!!**

"Alright, _that's _it!" Light cried, getting up from chair and grabbing hold of both the detective's shoulders.

What transpired next was very quick and unexpected for both people involved. All Light knew was that one second he'd been sat in his chair, ready to punch L's stupid face in, and the _next_ second his lips were pressed close up and personal against said stupid face, leaving the boy to wonder where the hell the transition between the two events had gone. Out the window, perhaps, along with his sanity... Unwittingly, his hands fisted into L's hair to pull the twig-like detective closer, tongue running along his lower lip and plundering his open mouth as if it were a particularly delectable piece of strawberry cheesecake.

L tasted of strawberries…

_God, what a girlie thing to say… Jeez, you kiss one guy and turn into Misa frickin' Amane._

When Light finally pulled away L remained sat in his chair, dumbstruck, face even paler than it was normally (if such a feat were even possible).

Many seconds trickled by into the vast abyss of oblivion, Light staring intently into the insomniac's obsidian eyes. L, being as courteous as ever, returned the gaze with a whacked-out, wide-eyed stare of his own, looking unsettled and slightly uncomfortable…

Light noted with satisfaction his lips were bruised.

"L-Light-kun…" L stuttered, looking strangely sweet and innocent (sort of like a younger Britney Spears, only less female) as he brushed his fingers cautiously against the side of his mouth. "That… That was my… First ever kiss…" He ducked his head, spots of pink playing against his pale skin. It was strangely gratifying to see the great, infallible L reduced to a floundering small child all because of a simple kiss.

Light nodded, a cruel little smile tweaking at the corner of his lips. "Exactly," he said, folding his arms and nodding his head. "I thought that'd shock you. Look, see, you're not hiccupping anymore." _Which means I'm not going to kill you. Well, at least, not yet. __Yay__._

"Light-kun…" L said again, voice still wavering. His fingers remained at the side of his mouth, teeth nibbling daintily at the side of his thumb. "Do you… I mean, if you _wanted to_… Do you… Do you think we could do that again?"

There was a long pause, a raised eyebrow, and a scoff.

"Good God no."

**- - - - - - --**f**in;**,-- - - - - - - -

**a.n: yayyy :D l/light floof. even though light is being a total bitch-face. and hiccups. gawdz, i used to get hiccups all the time when i was a kid and they weren't **_**normal**_** hiccups either, they were really loud and sounded all squeaky and everybody stared at me like i was a freak… i'm not a freak D:**


End file.
